After reading the entries yesterday, I was reminded of a dear man that resided briefly in the nursing home I worked at. H did not require 24 hr care, other than needing help with his socks, he was pretty much independent.
During H's time with us assisted living facilities did not exist in our area which would of been a better choice for H .Once you reached a certain age or had health issues a Nursing Home was an option ,the only option other than remaining at home. Since he didn't have kids and had never been married, he came to live at the nursing home instead of being alone.
He did have an older brother, & a nephew living in the community. He also had a sister-in-law that lived at the Nursing home. B had the later stage of Alzheimer's disease. I think seeing B on a daily basis played a big part in his decision to commit suicide.
A wave of sadness washes over me when I think of H. Don't get me wrong for a long time I was angry with him. He was a man that we all admired but yet he took a coward's way out by committing suicide. Or so I thought at the time.
To go to eat, visit the nurses station or to take a shower, H had to pass by B's room. I remember seeing him stop in her doorway and staring for a minute or two. He did this several times a day and would not go in the room!
Was he remembering her when she was healthy or did he see his own future? Nobody would ever know. Perhaps seeing other residents in wheelchairs and with various levels of disabilities scared him.
Did he feel or notice small changes in himself that made him fear the future? Nobody will ever know. To all of us he was a happy man, until that day. He always had someone stopping by.
Unlike some of our residents H had friends. He had a large circle of friends that would visit often or take him out for the day.
Sometimes he would just visit his house to enjoy the solitude for a few hours, before going back to the Nursing Home. Normally when he was going out he would tell the nurse and let the rest of us know so we wouldn't worry..
His last trip to his home he blew his brains out....I'm no longer angry with him because I don't know what he was going through mentally and physically. He made a decision which was his to make certainly not anyone else's.
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